Bob lives on Canada’s West Coast. He works in public service, is a yoga student and instructor, and is a firm believer that if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got. In July 2018 Bob weight 592 pounds. Since then, through the practice of yoga, he has lost 365 pounds.
I spoke with Bob in the last week of his Modo Yoga Teacher training in Montreal. It was a sunny day and the light was beaming in the windows—matched in brightness by Bob’s incredible smile.
Jess: What motivated you to start practicing yoga?
Bob: Well the short answer is that I think I had tried everything else to pull my life together. I was in the depths of a mental health crisis and struggling with addiction, had several health issues including being morbidly obese, and basically I had tried everything else. I’d spent years struggling and dealing with the loss of my spouse and tried to fill a hole with pretty much anything I could think of.
And now yoga has taken the place of all of those things that I tried to do to fill that hole.
Jess: I know that I have mentioned this, but I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m wondering what life was like before you found yoga? How was addiction affecting your life?
Bob: The short answer is, I believe my doctors were my primary motivator for my day to day life. Everything else revolved around my addictions. I am by no means an expert on mental health or addiction, but I have done a lot of reflecting on my own personal journey. As is often the way with addiction the addict will seek out that “ideal” high by using more of the original substance, or engaging in behaviors, for prolonged periods or more frequently, finding new ways to achieve that original high.
Jess: What did that feel like for you?
Bob: It is difficult for me to recall specifically; it would really depend on the day and/or the situation. Up to that point in my life, I had become very good at blocking emotions. I think I was most worried about disappointing my family, who lived across the country; they knew things were not ideal, but they had no idea the severity of the situation.
Jess: How did that change after practicing for a while?
Bob: I remember my first yoga class – it was a flow class. I lay in the heat for most of the class. I could not even place weight on my knees. I needed a rolled-up mat, and even then it was very uncomfortable. Standing up, once down on the mat, was a struggle. I think the culture in most yoga studios fosters (or strives to foster) an environment of positivity, kindness and acceptance.
The focus on breath was an initial game-changer for me…(I could do that lying down lol). As I now know, that focus on breath was helping me to be present—to focus on the “now” versus all the negative things I had been trying to block, as well as the shame and embarrassment of what my life had become versus what it was, which was periodic. Yoga became my distraction during the first year (just like the DOC’s would do, temporarily) but it evolved into more than that.
My balance and flexibility began to improve, and there was a noticeable change in my appearance, and with it, a lot of positive reinforcement from friends and family. Yoga became something I could be proud of—something sustainably positive and healthy that I was doing for myself/by myself. I was not cheating, lying, or trying to impress anyone. Notably though, yoga has evolved beyond being a distraction for me. It has become a tool for self-discovery and reflection. It supports me in unpacking much of my past behaviors, and—with the help of my counsellor—processing ‘crunchy’ parts.
Jess: You mentioned in your presentation at the teacher training that you had this picture-perfect life—great job, corner office, happy family etc. Can you explain how that all changed with addiction? I only ask because I think a lot of people with addiction share that they are ashamed of what they ‘lost’—people, homes, relationships—and have shared with me that they think that there is no route back from that loss.
Bob: In a matter of 3 years, I went from a corner office executive position (one of my early addictions was distracting by burying myself in my career) in Toronto, a loving marriage, driving an expensive sports car, owning a home and an investment property to being unemployed, living in a homeless shelter with several mental and physical challenges. Addiction is cunning and baffling. Even at the lowest point, I thought to myself, “well, things are not going according to plan, but they will improve”. I think this blind optimism is what both burned down my life but also helped me thrive in recovery.
Jess: How incredible. And yes, you do exude optimism. What is it about practice that you think addresses addiction?
Bob: Well I think in practice one of our key goals is to quiet the mind and to look inside and to connect mind, body and spirit. That’s what I was seeking—to turn off that hamster wheel running in my head. I just wanted to find some peace and calm in my mind so that I could start thinking clearly about my actions. Yoga has given me the opportunity to slow down and take a step back and think before I act.
Jess: That is so well put, thank you. And what would you say to an addict that is thinking to themselves, “I don’t fit in at a yoga studio!” You mentioned your obesity. Some people may be thinking “I don’t have the right body.” Or for someone with a major addiction they might think “I’m an addict. I don’t belong with all of these healthy people.” What would you say to support someone like this in knowing that anyone can belong in a Modo class?
Bob: Absolutely, that’s an excellent point.
I had a good friend that basically saved my life. They saw me struggling and saw the state that I was in. they’d been asking me to go for 3 or 4 years and I kept saying no. I remember saying to him – what if I break wind.
Jess: Haha! Valid question!
Bob: I mean I was just looking for any excuse to not go. He just said, “Well… it happens!”
Jess: [more laughing] Yes that’s it, that could be a great slogan “Farts happen.” I was actually just laughing about this with a few teacher trainees in your group because as a teacher—and I love that you’ll soon BE a teacher—when a fart does happen in class you often wonder, “was that loud enough for a class-wide laugh? Do I comment so that we can all have a laugh? Or was I the only one that heard that?!”
It’s true though – things happen in class. People hide their cell phones in their towels and then forget to turn their ringer off. Stuff happens in yoga and we all have a laugh and move on and it’s no big deal—you’re totally right!!
Bob: Yes! And to speak to your earlier point. I was morbidly obese. When I started yoga I had lost about a hundred pounds, so I started when I weighed about 500 pounds. At that point I had started to teeter back into the depths of major addiction when I joined yoga. And yoga has taken me to the next level, and at this point I’ve lost 365 pounds.
I guess I would say – what do you have to lose?
I was morbidly obese. I couldn’t get to the floor. I was worried about getting into the hot room. I definitely checked with my doctor first, because I was concerned. I was 55 years old. I mean I was looking for any excuse I could find.
I guess I would say to someone dealing with addiction: “What do you have to lose?” If you’re anything like me you’ve had major ups and downs and tried creative solutions, and tried white knuckling and ALL of that stuff. Hopefully that works for you. It didn’t work for me after many many many attempts. Yoga has worked. I don’t know your story. I can’t tell you for sure that it will work, but I know that for myself and others it has worked.
Jess: Bob thank you so much for your time and for vulnerably and generously sharing your story. Last question – what is one word that you would use to describe the feeling that you have when you walk out of class?
Bob: Peace.
Jess Robertson is Modo Yoga’s Co Founder, Senior Advisor, and Community Documentarian. She is also a writer, musician, yoga teacher and Co Founder of the New Leaf Foundation. She lives in Montreal, Canada with her 2 kids.