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Tag: Life Lessons

Taking On My Anxiety

Posted on by hamiltonadmin

Day in and day out, anxiety in its many forms, has been spread across the pages of magazines, of our social media newsfeeds, and has been the topic of many talk shows and other public forums. Anxiety has become a mainstream modern-day aliment plaguing many of the general populous with symptoms ranging from paralyzing and debilitating fears to a nagging feeling that stops them from social functions, or other situations. I did not think this applied to me until quite recently, when I came to the realization (like a smack across the face) it is a little more prevalent than I let myself believe.

Truth be told, there has been a weird sense of fear that has crept into the edges of my daily activities that has slowly stopped me from participating in certain activities that would not have bothered me prior.

This feeling started around the time I had my first son, and I just brushed it aside that my life was now to protect him and that is why I no longer wanted to do things that may be perceived as dangerous. Prior to my son being born, I loved facing fear, I couldn’t wait to skydive, I wanted to go bungee jumping, and I LOVED, I mean I really LOVED roller-coasters. It was as if a switch flipped the second I became a Mom. It crept in slowly, but set its everlasting claws in me and held on for dear life. It was like a dark shadow that loomed around my daily life, and when I ignored it, it got bigger and bigger.

It wasn’t until my daughter was born and was a little older that it started to embarrass me and I became aware that my family was going to start to notice. We went to Walt Disney World, and this was the first time the kids were able to go on ‘big’ rides. Mikayla and the boys wanted to go on the Tower of Terror, it had been mentioned a couple of times throughout the trip and I was relieved every time our plans veered in another direction.

We had planned to go see the Indiana Jones performance and when we got there, there was a ‘cast member’ at the entrance letting everyone know they were sorry they had to cancel the show; but had a front-of-the-line ticket to whatever ride we wanted to go on. Immediately, the kids knew exactly what they wanted to do, and dreed started to bubble up in my stomach. Keep in mind, my anxiety was relatively low at this point, and easy to swallow back down. Mikayla started to have second thoughts, and it was really cute because we were paired with a US cheerleading team who were there for a competition but taking a break to enjoy some rides. They cheered Mikayla on, and I knew I had to go through with the ride and not let on about my fears because I wanted to Mikayla to face HERS.

It was on this trip, I became keenly aware something fundamentally changed within the function and chemistry of my brain. I started to do some research and learned that it is relatively normal not to want to participate in activities that can be perceived to be dangerous after having a baby. It is a topic of discussion on a few mom boards and eased my sense that something was ‘wrong’ with me. So again, I pushed these feelings deep down.

On January 5th, my alarm went off at 3:45 am and almost immediately, my anxiety began. There was this gnawing feeling of doom followed by imagery of fiery crashes and tragedy. With my Lorazepam firmly tucked away, right beside Mikayla’s ear medication, my entire family made their way to the airport. I was elated to share an unforgettable journey to Costa Rica with them and could not wait for the experiences we would go on together. **EDIT – The experiences THEY would go on together because my anxiety has reached an all-time high.

My lists of fears now include and are not limited to:

  • flying
  • Going into the Ocean – at all
  • Heights
  • Snakes
  • Horseback Riding – did I mention I took lessons for YEARS – like literally YEARS
  • Being on a boat
  • being on a boat in rough water
  • Scuba diving (obviously)

And the list goes on.

I sat idly by watching my husband and children surf, IN COSTA FUCKING RICA, go cliff jumping, swing off of jungle vines, go horseback riding on the beach at sunset and snorkeling (and I had literally convinced myself that Josh was not coming back). For EVERY SINGLE one of these activities I had a very solid reason not to participate, all of them compete and absolute bullshit.

On the plane ride home, I was so disappointed with myself. My anxiety and fear skyrocketed every time we hit a rough patch of air. This all confirmed something for me, I was DONE. 2019 will be the year that I face my anxiety, instead of hiding from it. 2019 will be the year I face my fears!

hansen-rix family in the water

Don’t get me wrong, I have done a lot of really brave things, I have quit a comfortable job and took a leap of faith, I have married the love of my life on an absolute whim, I decided to go back to school three weeks into the course! I am brave, and I have the courage to take the harder path, but now is the time I face fear with both eyes wide open. Now is the time I will embrace the sweaty palms, my heartbeat in my ears, my hands that constantly and consistently give me away by shaking.

And please understand, I am not implying that anxiety is something that you can just get over, I am not implying that there aren’t people who need medication to survive their anxiety. I understand this can be so much bigger and I am not belittling that in ANY WAY.

I am simply saying today I am no longer being a slave to this, I am ready to fight back.

When Your Stronger Than You Think… And Why Yoga

Posted on by hamiltonadmin

two womenLast August, Modo featured me in a blog post for Social Worker Awareness Month. I spoke about how yoga helped me manage my stress at work. What I failed to mention in that blog was that I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I am convinced my yoga practice literally saved my life.

I first realized something was wrong during a cobra pose almost a year ago. Over the years, my yoga practice has made me so aware of my body that I intuitively knew something was wrong. It was during this time, I realized Modo was so much more than yoga to me. It was always a huge part of my life but now it became an invaluable outlet for all my fears and anxieties. It helped me stay positive and smile when there were days I definitely wasn’t smiling on the outside. After every class, I felt mentally stronger and it helped me to visualize my fears melting away with every drop of sweat. My yoga practice has also recently taught me the necessity of reaching out to people and accepting support which isn’t something that comes easy to me. So much of this support I found came from my family, friends, colleagues and the Modo community.

Being a part of the Modo community assisted me in finding the peace in my heart and the strength that I needed to fight for my life. It’s unusual to say, but I think having breast cancer was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced but also one of best things to ever happen to me. I was committed from the moment I was diagnosed to have an open dialogue with my family, friends and colleagues about my fears and anxieties. I strongly believe we connect with each other through sharing our stories and our personal struggles, and for this reason I decided to share my story in this blog.

In my previous blog with Modo, I admitted to having a very type A personality and at times living my life on autopilot. I still catch myself making to do lists in savasana, but I’m trying to be more present in everything I do and to let go! I have found a renewed love and respect for my yoga practice and the way of life this practice has gifted me. I am full of gratitude for everything it has taught me and the community of support, which has surrounded me.

For a moment last August I thought my life was over. Now, I realize it has just begun and everyday is a new beginning to start again. I hope others that find themselves on a similar path as I did when I was 40 years old are lucky enough to have the support which was extended to me. Modo Hamilton has generously dedicated February’s karma charity to the YWCA Hamilton Encore Program. The Encore Program is FREE and specifically designed for women who have experienced breast cancer. Through gentle exercise, relaxation, peer support and information sharing it helps women with the after-effects of breast cancer surgery and treatment. I feel so fortunate to be participating in this program in the spring. I hope by sharing my story it inspires you to support this incredible program so other women like me can have this same opportunity.

For more information or general inquiries about the Encore program contact Anne Marie Collingwood, YWCA Hamilton Encore Coordinator T 905.522.9922 ext. 158 acollingwood@ywcahamilton.org

(Originally published February 5, 2018)

Student Life Can Be Hectic – But There’s Yoga For That!

Posted on by hamiltonadmin

Front desk staff, Anisha, tells us about her journey to her mat and what that meant and looked like for her.

What does Modo mean? To some, it means salvation or freedom. For others, it means a safe place to exercise and practice yoga. To me, Modo means family.

This summer I was given the incredible opportunity to become a full-time member of the MYH community by working at the front desk. I have been practicing at MYH Dundas since 2012 and I’ve always felt like there was something special about coming into the warm studio being surrounded by even warmer faces greeting me before and after classes. It was my escape from the cold, my escape from reality; it was a mini-vacation (it was certainly hot enough to be one!).

As a full-time student during the year, I can never make it to my mat as much as I’d like so I decided that this summer I was going to change that. Since I’d be coming into the studio almost every day to work, I thought I would just do a class (or two, or three) around each of my shifts to get back into the habit of practicing. I set a goal to complete 100 classes before school starts in September. I completed almost 70 classes during my 3 months of practice. Every time I was in the studio someone asked me how my 100-class challenge was going. It amazed me to see how supportive everyone at MYH was, whether it was a student, staff member, or teacher (especially since everyone comes to their mat with different intentions).

Each smiling face motivated me to come in for more classes to ultimately make my goal. Although I couldn’t successfully complete my summer goal, I was proud of my efforts of even making it to my mat in the first place because it was 70 more classes than I probably would’ve done before.

Sometimes the challenge comes in being able to accept the fact that we can’t always complete every goal we set for ourselves. Or we may even need to learn to change our goals in the process to make it something more attainable to achieve. I have seen many mental, physical, and spiritual changes in myself due to my steady practice this summer; changes that never would’ve occurred without having yoga in my life. Although I had to change my perspective and change my goal, I didn’t give up or lose, I’m still a spiritual warrior, a spiritual winner, and know that I have the MYH family supporting me every step of my journey!

About the Author:

Anisha started practicing yoga 5 years ago in 2012, when she was just 15 years old.  She turned to yoga to help keep her grounded, focused and giving balance to a hectic school schedule. Now, a full-time student at McMaster University, she uses yoga to destress!  Anisha refers to her hour in the hot room as a ‘mini-vacation’ for her mind.  She also loves that yoga is a great exercise for the body.

(Originally published September 12, 2017)

How One Yogi Made Her Way Through Grad School with Yoga

Posted on by hamiltonadmin

Melissa in a gardenI started practicing yoga during a pretty hectic time in my life. I was juggling full-time grad school, a T.A. position, a part-time job working reception at a doctor’s office and working as a flight attendant on weekends. It was pretty intense living but incredibly enough I managed to keep grounded, primarily because I would start each day with a 90 minute hot yoga practice. That was almost 20 years ago. Wow, how time flies and lots has changed but my morning yoga practice remains.

Often times you will hear that yoga gives you skills that you can take off the mat. I can attest to this. In my case, a regular morning yoga practice helps me structure my day. It also gives me a boost of really positive energy that I carry with me as my day unfolds. My practice has helped me develop focus and discipline that serve me well in my other job. Since our practice focuses so much on breath, I am capable of creating space when things get busy. The ability to slow things down is really precious, especially when you tend to be somewhat of a busy bee. Hopefully this convinces some of you to join me for a morning practice.

About the Author:
Yoga also allows Melissa to stay open to experiences that may be outside of her comfort zone. Melissa travelled to Montreal in October 2012 for the Moksha Yoga Level 1 Teacher Training in order to expand her practice, but also to share her love of yoga with others. She has checked this long time goal off of her to do list!  Melissa is a true yogi and draws her inspiration from people who work to reduce poverty and those who act mindfully towards our planet, which she also does in return.

(Originally published August 29, 2017)

Be Peace: One Yogi’s Journey to Slowing Down

Posted on by hamiltonadmin

kristaOn Friday April 24, 2014, I smashed my 2009 Volkswagen Passat into a concrete pole. All by myself. On a deserted city street.

I hit the pole hard enough that it shattered. Chunks of concrete flew through the air and rained down on my car—smashing the windshield, and leaving no panel without a dent.

Three weeks (and $8000) later, my car was returned to me…but, like the windshield, my brain, my confidence was cracked. Something had shifted. This accident had given me pause: just what was I doing? Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I swerve to avoid it?

In truth, I had fallen victim to my own ‘busy brain.’ You see, I am one of the millions of people who has a brain that struggles to—and often won’t—shut off. The events of my day, my list of “to-dos” is ever-present, ever cycling through my consciousness. I am that person who, in savasana looks peaceful with closed eyes, but whose mind is caught up in a turmoil of chaos.

In a 2014 report, Stats Canada found that stress, as a mental health issue, is putting a heavy strain on citizens, and the health care system. Last year alone, mental health issues cost Canadian employers 20 billion dollars. 75% of long term disability claims were made for mental health reasons, citing work, family, and financial stress as the main causes.

Fast food. Express lanes. Drive-thrus. Bullet trains. Instant oatmeal. Quickies.

All symbols of what has become ubiquitous in our society: the need to move quickly.

My concrete pole was my “a-ha” moment. I realized that I needed to make a change—start walking the walk, and not just talking the talk. As John Kobat Zinn, a University of Massachusetts professor says “We don’t want to get entrained into being a human doing rather than a human being.” I needed to slow down.

Slow eating. Mindfulness. Reflection. Calm. Connection. Balance. Breath. Peace.

This change was a choice. A conscious choice. It took me a while, but I put some tools in place to help with my journey.

Do less. That’s right. Do less. Say no. Look at what I usually do. Then do less. Everything didn’t fall apart. I was a rebel. I didn’t wash the kitchen floor. My kids did their own laundry. Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said “Practice not-doing and everything will fall into place.” I took this to heart.

Take notice. I talk to the grocery store clerk. My neighbour. I smile at people I pass on the street. I am patient when waiting in line. I see squirrels. The bunny in my yard. I listen to the loons at night.

Get outside. I started walking to places, riding my bike. I practiced yoga in my yard, on my dock. I got rosy cheeks. I bought a SUP. I fall in the water trying to do tree pose.

Slow down. I stopped speeding. I put time into preparing and eating food. I try to eat with friends and family as much as possible. I try not to multi-task—it makes me prone to errors and general craziness. I make time for myself. I read. I sit still.

Breathe. Seriously. When I am stressed, I just stop and take a breath. Then another. I use this breath to put space between what is thrust at me and my reaction to it. And then I take another breath. And another.

Create a playlist. Yup. On my phone I have a sing-along playlist filled with songs that make me feel. I play it when I need some peace. Sometimes I just listen, and sometimes I hum, or even belt out the tunes. I look crazy, but I don’t care.

Get to a happy place. For me, this is my mat. I can lose myself to the rhythm of my breath, the movement of my body, the challenge to my muscles, and the beauty of my community. Not every practice is Yoga Journal worthy…but each moment I spend on my mat makes me a better person.

No lie—this journey has not been easy, and there are times when I catch myself in a frenzy of workkidslifedinner. At these times I strap on my tool belt and take a walk, get to my mat, or find a quiet place.

We all live in this fast world—a place where being busy is often a badge of honour—where slowing down is often equated with “losing your edge.” I challenge that idea. Slowing down allows us to find balance, enjoy better health, fuller relationships, and appreciate this magnificent world around us.

After all, who can argue with famous American philosopher Ferris Bueller: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, you could miss it.”

Be peace.

About the Author:

Krista MacDonald is a teacher both at our studios as well as in the classroom, where she is a high school English Department Head.  She is a continual inspiration to teachers and students alike, demonstrating passion in her practice and living her yoga. Krista’s vibrant smile and larger than life personality lights up any space she occupies!

(Originally published July 11, 2017)