Day in and day out, anxiety in its many forms, has been spread across the pages of magazines, of our social media newsfeeds, and has been the topic of many talk shows and other public forums. Anxiety has become a mainstream modern-day aliment plaguing many of the general populous with symptoms ranging from paralyzing and debilitating fears to a nagging feeling that stops them from social functions, or other situations. I did not think this applied to me until quite recently, when I came to the realization (like a smack across the face) it is a little more prevalent than I let myself believe.
Truth be told, there has been a weird sense of fear that has crept into the edges of my daily activities that has slowly stopped me from participating in certain activities that would not have bothered me prior.
This feeling started around the time I had my first son, and I just brushed it aside that my life was now to protect him and that is why I no longer wanted to do things that may be perceived as dangerous. Prior to my son being born, I loved facing fear, I couldn’t wait to skydive, I wanted to go bungee jumping, and I LOVED, I mean I really LOVED roller-coasters. It was as if a switch flipped the second I became a Mom. It crept in slowly, but set its everlasting claws in me and held on for dear life. It was like a dark shadow that loomed around my daily life, and when I ignored it, it got bigger and bigger.
It wasn’t until my daughter was born and was a little older that it started to embarrass me and I became aware that my family was going to start to notice. We went to Walt Disney World, and this was the first time the kids were able to go on ‘big’ rides. Mikayla and the boys wanted to go on the Tower of Terror, it had been mentioned a couple of times throughout the trip and I was relieved every time our plans veered in another direction.
We had planned to go see the Indiana Jones performance and when we got there, there was a ‘cast member’ at the entrance letting everyone know they were sorry they had to cancel the show; but had a front-of-the-line ticket to whatever ride we wanted to go on. Immediately, the kids knew exactly what they wanted to do, and dreed started to bubble up in my stomach. Keep in mind, my anxiety was relatively low at this point, and easy to swallow back down. Mikayla started to have second thoughts, and it was really cute because we were paired with a US cheerleading team who were there for a competition but taking a break to enjoy some rides. They cheered Mikayla on, and I knew I had to go through with the ride and not let on about my fears because I wanted to Mikayla to face HERS.
It was on this trip, I became keenly aware something fundamentally changed within the function and chemistry of my brain. I started to do some research and learned that it is relatively normal not to want to participate in activities that can be perceived to be dangerous after having a baby. It is a topic of discussion on a few mom boards and eased my sense that something was ‘wrong’ with me. So again, I pushed these feelings deep down.
On January 5th, my alarm went off at 3:45 am and almost immediately, my anxiety began. There was this gnawing feeling of doom followed by imagery of fiery crashes and tragedy. With my Lorazepam firmly tucked away, right beside Mikayla’s ear medication, my entire family made their way to the airport. I was elated to share an unforgettable journey to Costa Rica with them and could not wait for the experiences we would go on together. **EDIT – The experiences THEY would go on together because my anxiety has reached an all-time high.
My lists of fears now include and are not limited to:
- flying
- Going into the Ocean – at all
- Heights
- Snakes
- Horseback Riding – did I mention I took lessons for YEARS – like literally YEARS
- Being on a boat
- being on a boat in rough water
- Scuba diving (obviously)
And the list goes on.
I sat idly by watching my husband and children surf, IN COSTA FUCKING RICA, go cliff jumping, swing off of jungle vines, go horseback riding on the beach at sunset and snorkeling (and I had literally convinced myself that Josh was not coming back). For EVERY SINGLE one of these activities I had a very solid reason not to participate, all of them compete and absolute bullshit.
On the plane ride home, I was so disappointed with myself. My anxiety and fear skyrocketed every time we hit a rough patch of air. This all confirmed something for me, I was DONE. 2019 will be the year that I face my anxiety, instead of hiding from it. 2019 will be the year I face my fears!
Don’t get me wrong, I have done a lot of really brave things, I have quit a comfortable job and took a leap of faith, I have married the love of my life on an absolute whim, I decided to go back to school three weeks into the course! I am brave, and I have the courage to take the harder path, but now is the time I face fear with both eyes wide open. Now is the time I will embrace the sweaty palms, my heartbeat in my ears, my hands that constantly and consistently give me away by shaking.
And please understand, I am not implying that anxiety is something that you can just get over, I am not implying that there aren’t people who need medication to survive their anxiety. I understand this can be so much bigger and I am not belittling that in ANY WAY.
I am simply saying today I am no longer being a slave to this, I am ready to fight back.
I am the abundantly proud mother of three (2 and one almost) teenagers. Life has changed around our house significantly since these creatures started to stumble towards adulthood. We have had many, many ups and downs as the five of us, parents and kids, are equally challenged in learning how to deal with raging hormones, roller-coasters of emotions and many rites of passage.
Last August, Modo featured me in a blog post for Social Worker Awareness Month. I spoke about how yoga helped me manage my stress at work. What I failed to mention in that blog was that I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I am convinced my yoga practice literally saved my life.
When you are called into a meeting and told that the world needs you, that you must prepare for battle, become Dragonborn and save the world from an onslaught of dragons, you would imagine that about a million thoughts go racing through your head. Me? I had only one: I need to step up my yoga game. Allow me to explain.
Boy, do I know this is so much harder said than done!! A fellow teacher once said to me that nothing makes her lose her yoga faster than her kids, and can I ever agree! I am the mother of three teenagers and they know how to push my buttons. There are times I don’t think I could keep my cool with all the patience in the world. That being said, I get to practice breath and patience every day, MANY, MANY times a day.
Changing your behaviour in the hot room will also effect the way you see yourself. I always park my mat in the exact same spot, right by the middle pillar. Subconsciously, I may think it provides some sort of camouflage. As humans we get comfortable in our own grooves and try not to deviateate too much. When we break free of those restraints, it lets us sometimes see something in a new way. A fellow teacher was telling me that she, like myself, was uncomfortable looking at herself in the mirror in Warrior 2. Then during a particularly busy class, she noticed a pair of legs in the mirror that were really toned and strong. She surprised herself that they were actually hers, and with a gaze free of judgement, she loved what she saw.